ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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