if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
