I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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