I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
