Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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