I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Randomize
