He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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