You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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