i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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