it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
