I think im going to throw up on grandma
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
