Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
