Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
