So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
