I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
