I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
How external is "for external use only"?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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