I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
