There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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