The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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