I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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