I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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