Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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