Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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