Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
