Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
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