I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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