All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
