Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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