I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
