so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
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I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
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Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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