I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
