dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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