And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
