So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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