You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
