my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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