My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
