he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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