And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
