My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm too high and old for this...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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