you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
