i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
