it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
