It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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