i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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