So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
