I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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