I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
