3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
