I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
