I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am one with the molecules
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
