I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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