I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
