ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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