if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
