Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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