May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
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Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
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I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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