He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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