OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches