my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?