with your own penis?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL