we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.