When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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